How do you call your lover boy dirty dancing

Quotes from the movie Dirty Dancing

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#1 I am so sick of all this rain… Remind me not to take my honeymoon at Niagara falls. #2 so you’ll go to Acapulco…

#1, Well I’m sorry I let you down daddy, but you let me down too.

(1)Sylvia? (2) Yes Mickie? (1) How do you call your loverboy? (2) Come here loverboy! (1) and if he doesn’t answer? (2) Oh loverboy… (1) and if he STILL doesn’t answer? (2) I simply say bayyyyyybe ohhh baybee my sweet bayyybeeee you’re the one.

(Johnny) How do you call your lover boy? (Baby) Come here loverboy!(Johnny) And if he doesnt answer? (Baby) OH LOVERBOY!! (Johnnny) And if he STILL doesnt answer? (Baby) I simply say: Baby, ohoh, Ba-by my sweet Ba-by you’re the one!!!

(lip syncing)Johnny:Romeo?Baby:Yes Mickey?. Johnny:How do you call you loverboy?.Baby:Come here loverboy.Johnny:And what if he doesnt answer.Baby:Oh loverboy.Johnny:And he still doesnt answer.Baby:I simply say,baby, O sweet baby!!

(mom)Baby’s gonna save the world some day.(mr. Kellerman) What are you gonna do Lisa? (baby) Oh, she’s going to decorate it. (Robbie) She already does.

*Johnny* Hey Coz, what’s she doing here? *Billy* She’s with me, she came with me. *Baby* I carried a watermelon…(Johnny looks at Billy and then Baby before walking off. Billy shoots Baby a look)*Baby* …I carried a watermelon?

….I’m doing all tis to save your as, when all i really want to do is drop you on it.

..and that was the summer we went to kellermans’.

1) Are you going to major in English? 2)No, economies of underdeveloped countries.

1) what are you trying to do, kill me?! 2) Oh yes, as a matter of fact I do. We’re supposed to do the show in two days, you won’t show me the lift, I’m not sure about turns, I’m doing all this just to save your ass, but all I want to do is drop you on it!

1)What’s your real name? 2)Frances. 1)Frances? 2)I was named after the first woman in the cabinet.

1,2,3 cha cha cha

1. is this your idea of fun?
2.Yes and of matter of fact it is were suppost to do the show in two days you won’t show me lifts I’m doing all this to save your ass what I really wanna do is drop you on it!
1.Well lets get out of here then

1: Robbie, it’s me. 2: OH SHIT!

Alright Neal. We’ll do the Pachenka.

And most of all, I’m scared of walking out and never feeling the rest of my whole life, the way I feel when I’m with you.

Ask not what the waiter can do for you, but what you can do for your waiter.

Aw come on ladies, God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t
want you to shaaaakkkkkeee ‘eeeemmmmm!

Baby – So, I did it all for nothing, I hurt my family, you still got fired. Your right Johnny, you can’t win no matter what you do.
Johnny – I don’t wanna here that, you can!

baby is that what they call you, why dont you gey back in your play pen, you dont know shit about my problems

Baby, is that your name? Well, let me tell you something Baby. You don’t know shit about my problems.

Baby: Daddy, if you love me you have to love all of the things about me, and I love you.

Baby: Dance with me
Johnny: What, here?
Baby: Here

Baby: Im doing all this to save your ass! but what I really want to do is drop you on it!

Baby: That was the summer of 1963, when everybody called me baby, and it didn’t occur to me to mind. That was before the Beatles came to America, and Kennedy was shot. When I couldn’t wait to join the Peace Corps, and I thought I’d never find a guy as great as my dad. That was the summer we went to Kellermans.

Baby? Is that your name? Well let me tell you something, baby, you don’t know shit about my problems. Go back to your playpen, baby.

Baby? Is that your name? Well you don’t know shit about my problems. Go back to your playpen, Baby.

baby? is that your name? well you know what baby? you don’t know shit about my problems

Baby?…is that your name? Why don’t you go back to your play pen baby!

Babys Mom: She gets that from me.

Billy to Baby: Can you keep a secret? Your parents would kill you, Max would kill me.

But most importantly, I’m afraid of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my life, the way I feel when I’m with you.

But you lied too. You told me everyone’s alike and deserves a fair shake. But you meant everyone who was like you.

Come Ladies, God wouldn’t have given you maracas unless he wanted you to shake them!

Come on, Ladies!! God wouldn’t have given you miraccas if he didnt want you to skake ‘em!!!

Dad: What are you going to sing? Liza: I feel pretty. Or what do the simple folk do. Or I feel pretty. What do you think daddy?

Dont worry baby i went slumming once too

Father:Baby is goin to join the peace corp. Robbie: and what are you goin to do missy? Baby: Oh Lisa’s goin to decorate it. Robbie: She already does.

Fight harder, huh? I don’t see you fighting so hard, Baby. I don’t see you running up to Daddy telling him im your guy!

Go back to your playpen Baby……………

Go back to your playpen. . baby

Go back to your playpin, Baby

Good luck in medical school son… thanks for your help with the penny situation..(the doc snatches the envelope back) well you know those types, there willing to pin it on anyone!

got outta here, you’re not worth it. you’re not worth it.

Guh-gung, Guh-gung!

Have you had many women???What NO NO!!

here’s the money. you mean robbie? no you were right about him. how’d you get it? you said you needed it. is this kid for real? yeah, takes a real saint to ask daddy. thanks baby but i can’t accept it. what are you doing you should take the money. …well can’t somebody else fill in? no miss fix it, somebody else can’t fill in. what you wanna do it? take time out from simon says? it’s not a bad idea, she can move.

Hey Baby

Hey hold it.. hold it.. Listen hot shot.. you got your own set of rules, dance with the daughters, teach them the mambo, the cha cha, anything they pay for, but thats it, thats where it ends, no funny business no conversation and KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF!

How do you call your loverboy?
oh loverboy!
And if he doesn’t come?
Come here loverboy!
And if he still doesn’t come?
I simply say baby, oh oh, my sweet baby, my lovely baby, youre the one!

I carried a Mon Cheri

I carried a water melon

I carried a watermelon

I carried a watermelon!!

I carried a watermelon.

i carried a watermelon?

I could do your hair. It would be real pretty if….It’s prettier your way.

I didn’t do the lift

I doing all this to save your ass, and what I really wanna do is drop you on it.

I love to watch your hair blowing in the breeze.

I love to watch your hair blowing in the wind. (Her hair was not blowing)

i think she gets it from me

I think she gets this from me.

I want you girls to know, that if it weren’t for this man here, I’d be standing here dead.

i wonder if we come back here for our 10 year annerversary if they’d give us a discount

I’d hate to say it, but I’m what’s known as the catch of the county.

I’m afraid of everything. I’m mostly afraid of leaving this room and never feeling like I felt when I saw your epitoms.

I’m gonna do my kind of dancing with a great partner, who’s not only a terrific dancer—somebody’s who’s taught me that there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them–somebody who’s taught me about the kind of person I want to be.

I’m scared of everything! I’m scared of what I saw! I’m scared of what I did! Of who I am! Most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling teh rest of my whole life the way that I feel when I’m with you!

I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the way i feel when i’m with you!

I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’ve got this feeling that won’t subside. i look at you and i fantasize, you’re mine tonight. Now i’ve got you in my size. With these…Hungry eyes. One look at you and i can’t disguise i’ve got, Hungry eyes. Now did i take you by surprise.

I’ve decided to go all the way with Robbie

i’ve decided tonights the night with robbie and he doesn’t even know yet

I’ve had the time of my life.

I’ve never known anyone like you, you look at the world and you think you can make it better.

It’s not so much the changes this time, Tito…its that it all seems to be ending…it feels like its all slipping away.

Its not just the steps….you have to feeeel the music.

J: I’m out, Baby…and if I leave soon, I’ll get myself a bonus. B: So I did it for nothing? (Walks away) I hurt my family, you lost your job, anyway I did it for NOTHING! J: No, no, not for nothing Baby…nobody’s ever done anything like that for me before. B: You know you were right Johnny…you can’t win no matter what you do. J: I don’t wanna hear that from you, you can. B: I used to think so.

Jesus Billy,……

Jesus, Billy, now she’s gonna run tell her manager boyfriend and we’d all get fired! Why not just skywrite ‘Penny got knocked up by Robbie the creep’?!

Johnny : You should have come to me in the first place. Penny : Forget it Johnny, I’m not taking what’s left of your salary. Johnny : Penny, that’s my business. Penny : Besides, it wouldn’t be enough… [crying] oh my god it’s hopeless! Baby : Don’t say that ! There’s gotta be a way to work it out.

Johnny!!

Johnny’s innocent, and the reason I know that is because I was with him last night!

JOHNNY: i always do the last dance of the season…this year somebody told me not to so i’m gonna do my kinda dancin with my kinda person.

johnny: i’ll never forget. BaBy: me either

Johnny: The reason people treat me like I’m nothing is because I’m nothing. Baby: That’s not true! You…You’re Everything!

Johnny: You have to understand what its like for somebody like me, coming from the street and your up here and the women smell so good and really take care of themselves, I didnt even know women could be like that and their rich, so goddamn rich you think they now about everything and they’re passing room keys in my hands two or three times a day, different women and I think they would’nt do this if they didn’t care about me
Baby: That’s all right you were just using them, I understand
Johnny: No that’s not it Baby, they were using me…

Join hand and hearts and voices, voices hearts and hands… At Kellerman’s the friendships last long as the mountains stand…

just put your pickle on the plate and leave the hard stuff to me

La, la, la, la, epitom, la, la, la, la, epitom, my epitom.

lisa: i’m so sick of this rain! remind me not to take my honey moon at niagra falls. Marg:oh that’s alright dear, you’ll just go to acapolco.

Love your pachanga.

Love your watermelon.

Max: There are two kinds of help here. You waiters are all college guys, and I went to Harvard and Yale to hire you, and why did I do that? I shouldn’t have to remind you, this is a family place. Keep your paws outta the water, your hair outta the soup, and show the goddamn daughters a good time. All the daughters, even the dogs. Shlap em out to the terrace, show em the stars, romance em any way you want. The thing to do…. Johnny: Got that guys? Max: Hold it! Well, if it isn’t the entertainment staff. Listen wise ass, you got your own rules, dance with the daughters. Teach em the mambo, the cha-cha, anything they pay for, but that’s it. That’s where it ends. No more conversation and keep your hands off! Rodruiguez: Its the same as all those other places, some ass in the woods maybe, but no conversation. Max: Watch it Rodruiguez!

Me! I’m scared of everything, I’m scared of what I saw, of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking outta this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you!

Me? I’m scared of everything, of who I am, of what I’ve done, of what I’ve felt, but mostly that I’ll walk out of this room and never feel again the way I feel when I’m with you.

ME? IM SCARED OF EVERYTHING, IM SCARED OF WHAT I SAW IM SCARED OF WHAT I DID IM SCARED OF WHO I AM, BUT MOST OF ALL IM SCARED OF WALKING OUT OF THIS ROOM AND NEVER AGAIN IN MY WHOLE LIFE FEELING THE WAY I FEEL…WHEN IM WITH YOU

me? im scared of everything..of what i saw, of what i did, of what i am. But most of all, im scared of walking out of this room and never feeling for the rest of my life, the way i feel when im with you.

Neil: I’m known as the catch of the county. Baby: I’m sure you are… Neil: The other day I stole a girl from the lifeguard, Jamie. And he says to her, right in front of me, ‘what does he have that I don’t?’ And she says ‘two hotels’.

No Body puts Baby in a corner!

No one puts Baby in the corner.

No, I mean the way he saved her. I mean, I… I could never do anything like that. That was somethin’. The reason people treat me like I’m nothin’ is ’cause I’m nothin’.

No-N-No-No…

Nobody put Baby in the corner.

nobody puts baby in a corner

Nobody puts baby in a corner!

Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

nobody puts baby in the corner

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Now ive had the time of my life no ive never felt this way before yes i swear its the truth and i owe it all to you cause ive had the time of my life and i owe it all to you. ive been waiting for so long now ive finally found someone to stand by me. We saw the writing on the wall as we felt this magical fantasy. now with passion in our eyes theres no way we could disguise it secrectly so we take eachothers hand cause we seem to understand the urgency just rememebr your the one thing i cant get enough of so ill tell you something this could be love beacuse ive had the time of my life

Oh and J…. .one more thing….Love your pachanga

Oh come on ladies! God wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didnt want you to shake them!

Oh god,it’s Cleopatra!I feel like such an asp!

Oh my God, look at that! Ma, I should have brought those coral shoes, you said I was thinking too much! ~ But sweetheart, you brought 10 pairs! ~ But the coral shoes matched that dress! ~ This is not a tragedy, a tragedy is 3 men caught in a mine, or a police dog used in Birmingham. ~ Monks, burning themselves in protest! ~ Butt out Baby!

Oh Sylvia? Yes Mickey? How do you call your loverboy? Oh loverboy. .And if he doesn’t answer..c’mere loverboy..and if he STILL doesn’t answer..I simply say..Baby, my sweet baby…

Oh, come on, ladies. God wouldn’t have given you maracas if He didn’t want you to shake ‘em.

oh, quite the little joiner aren’t we

Penny: Johnny, what are you doing? How many times have you told me not to get involved with them?
Johnny: I know what I’ m doing.
Penny: You listen to me, you’ve got to stop this NOW.

Penny: Why not sky-wrire it? Penny got knocked up by Robbie the Creep.

Remember he’s the incharge on the dance floor and nooooo wheeeeerrrrreeee eeeeelllsssseeeee!

Robby The Creep.

Robby: I didn’t spend all summer long toasting bagels just to bail out some chick who probably balled every guy in the place. A little precision please Baby…Some people count and some people dont.

see he gives you the full half hour you’re paying for kid

SHIT! I locked the keys in the car!

Sit down, Jake!

So what are you going to sing for the talent show?
I was thinking I Fell Pretty, or Simple Folks, or I Feel Pretty

Some people count, some people don’t.

Sometimes in this world, you see things you don’t wanna see.

Sorry about the disruption folks. But I always do the last dance of the season. But this year somebody told me not to. So I’m going to do my kind of dancing with a great partner. Who’s not only a terrific dancer. Somebody who taught me that there are people willing to stick up for other people no matter what it costs them. Somebody who taught me about the kind of person I want to be. Miss Frances Houseman.

sorry you had to see that baby

Spaghetti arms! Can I have some tension please? You’re invading my dance space. This is my dance space, that’s yours. Let’s cha-cha.

Stan: My god its Cleopatra. I feel like such an asp.

SURE BARBECUE DANNY, WE’LL END THE SEASON WITH THE EPITITOM. WHAT A GREAT IDEA!

SURE NEIL NO PROBLEN WE’LL END THE SEASON WITH THE PACHANCA
GREAT IDEA

Thanks doc with the Penny situtation.

That was the summer of 1963, when everybody called me Baby, and it didn’t occur to me to mind. That was before President Kennedy was shot, before the Beatles, when I couldn’t wait to join the Peace Corps, and I thought I’d never find a guy as great as my dad. That was the summer we went to Kellerman’s.

the best place to do this, is in the water

The song: I had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.

Those are your epititoms over there

well it looks like I picked the wrong sister. Don’t worry baby, I went slummin’ once too

Well, it looks like I picked the wrong epititom.

When I’m wrong I say I’m wrong

When I’m wrong, I’ll say I’m wrong…..you looked wonderful out there.

when im wrong i say im wrong….you looked beautiful up there tonight

when im wrong, i say im wrong.

Where is my beige iridescent lipstick!?

Why not fight harder? Make them listen!

Yeah, it takes a real saint to ask ‘Daddy’

Yeah, it takes a real saint to ask daddy.

You did something for me no one’s ever done for me before.

You just put your pancake on everybody’s plate, Mon Cheri, and leave the hard stuff to me

You looked wonderful out there.

You looked wonderful up there tonight

You make me sick. Stay away from me, stay away from my sister… or I’ll have you fired.

You wanna hear something crazy? Last night I had a dream that we were walking along and you dad came up to me and said come on and put his arm around me like he did with Robbie.

You were right, Johnny. You can’t win no matter what you do.

You wouldn’t care if I humped the whole army – as long as I was on the right side of the Ho Chi Min trail!

You’re not the person I thought you were, Baby. I’m not sure who you are.

You’re wild! You’re WILD!

~Neil: (to Baby) I took a girl away from the lifeguard, Jamie. And he said to her, What does he have that I don’t?, And she said, 2 Hotels

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Astrel-SPb publishing house - Ira Andreeva “Love me. Fast!" /fragment/

[29th of November]

Funny Guys

But why? Why are there so many stupid chicks?

You are already quite a few years old, you have been married fifteen times and even once participated in a group sex ... In the bathroom you have three anti-cellulite brushes and a cream from saw cut deer antlers for wrinkles ... Perhaps you even have children and grandchildren . .. And you Damn, you still believe in love. But since you have a thin gut for cool men, you get, as a rule, rickety romantics with dripping saliva.

He is so vulnerable and vulnerable, and you are afraid to say that his penis is short and his brain is soft. You pretend to be the girl of his dreams so as not to offend. You get massages, you hang pictures on the wall and kiss his belly button, and when he falls asleep, you think: “Well, what the hell am I doing here?”

In the morning you nervously drink tea, pick your ears and jingle the keys in your pocket, trying to put them out. And then he says: “Well, maybe we can try again? Maybe we can do it?"

“Yes, okay. Destroying relationships is harder than maintaining them, ”you think and stay. The guy begins to convulsively read books on Taoist sex and becomes his own on the pick-up forum. During the day, he draws schemes in his brain for your conquest, and in the evening he studies the encyclopedia in order, as if by chance, to tell you about the Andromeda Nebula.

He wants to be cool.

He wants to be the very best.

And you just laugh.

You laugh and cry.

Fingering a picture of Brad Pitt under my pillow every night.

[December 10]

Panties

We haven't had sex for three weeks. Not that it bothered me much... After all, it is possible to sublimate sexual energy into creativity. Write a book, for example. Or the newspaper article "How to Seduce Your Husband." I don't stress at all about the lack of sex. I'm not stressing, your mother. Although, of course, I'm furious! I look at myself in the mirror and see Valeria Novodvorskaya. I'm disgusting! I have a flabby neck and cellulite. He doesn't want me. And it's terribly annoying!

And then there's this quarrel... As usual, out of the blue. Why did I cook the meat before the side dish? Yes, because! Because I wanted to sneeze on your meat, your bad mood and bobsleigh competitions, from which you cannot be torn off. My nerves are also not rubber! And the meat with a splash flies into the toilet.

I grab my bag and leave. I slam the door. The heart is pounding. I wait a second (what if my beloved rushes to catch up with me?), Then I sit in the elevator. I leave about once a week. It's time to subscribe. First I collected things, brought them back, then I collected them again ... And now I just take clean panties with me to work. Just in case. You never know where you'll wake up the next morning.

{mospagebreak title=1&title=2}

[December 13th]

Sex - yes!

“A woman is made to wash dishes,” my friends say. In this case, men are meant to satisfy us. And if you have dirty dishes, then you are a shitty lover. Everything is simple.

Most men are sure that they make a woman happy by just sticking their dick in her. Then - a dozen monotonous chaotic movements - and the job is done. "I tried, she should be pleased..."

And not everything is so simple, excuse me for being direct. Sex, friends, is art. This is a gift. And not everyone has this gift. So that, like this, ornate, ringing, playful, sparkling ... To roll in waves and tickle your heels ... To not hear your own screams and not feel bitten skin ...

Does she nag you for little things? Rolls up scandals, finds fault? Well, fuck her so that she forgets about the fucking garbage and plates! Can not? Then listen. It is not she who is stupid and hysterical. It's you - a loser and a fucking phlegmat.

Sex, you know, is a great driving force! If you are not being fucked with high quality, then no intimate conversations and declarations of eternal love will help here.

%beat each other, people!!!

[December 14]

Love formula

In fact, every girl with my character always has a couple of guys in reserve. Trouble-free fellows to cheer up, ready to rush at the first call. Boyfriend number one is Yurasik. He is thin, fashionably dressed, and enjoys drinking. Just what you need for a depressed girl! Yurasik is married to my college friend. It was I who introduced them. A long time ago, when Yurasik was slightly in love with me and really wanted to get married, I changed my mind about going on a date and sent Natasha instead. That is, she appointed them both a meeting in a cafe, but she herself did not come. The meeting turned out to be fateful. A month later, Natasha and Yurasik announced their wedding. Of course, I was the guest of honor and was very happy for my friends. As usual, there were no incidents. The second day of the holiday, the bride is busy with the people, and my new husband and I are washing dishes in the kitchen. Yuras says: “That’s it, Andreeva, family life has begun, but we still haven’t ... Let me at least kiss you goodbye.” And bites into the lips, filling me up, like in the films of the 30s. Yes! You guessed it, at that moment Natasha enters. Silent scene. How they didn't kill me, I'll never know... Now they have a strong family, children and a lot of worries about the improvement of the dacha. And I have the right to periodically pull Yuras out of the tenacious embrace of the hearth in order to swell in a nearby cafe. We don't do anything immoral, no. Although I am sure that Yuras still has warm feelings for me. It's like a leftover from a failed crush. An unsatisfied desire that occasionally tickles the heart and other organs of love.

* * *

- Well, what are you doing, mother? - Yurasik narrows his eyes. - Look, there are bags under the eyes. Your man doesn't suit you, leave him! You will find another. Or adapt. If you want sex, fuck someone. And then you follow him like a cat, caressing, purring, baking pies ... And where is your damn look, intrigue, miniskirt? Guys, they always feel cool. Step aside, he'll blow his mind right away. I'm not telling you as a man, as a friend. And in general, why are you so lucky on different losers? Is this a disease?

- Because everything in the world is fair and balanced! Here I met a young man pleasant in all respects in a Porsche. I would like to go on a date with him, conquer with my erudition, consolidate the impression with crazy sex, and even get married. It would seem that everything is natural: a girl without flaws and a man with a bunch of virtues. But no! Nature is categorically against such a simple solution. I will definitely marry some lame alcoholic who will tie me to the battery, and the young man in the Porsche will get a long-legged whore who will sue his hut on Tverskaya. This is to balance, justice.

- BUT! I realized that this is from the same opera when you look at cool country cottages: tiles, eight floors, attics, domes ... But anyway, bitches, linen is dried on a rope that is stretched across the kitchen! And porcelain swans are put out the window. Justice, mother.

- One of my girlfriends often says: "In the absence of stability, we are looking for diversity." This is to the fact that deep down she would like family happiness and constancy. But while he is gone, he leads a wild life. And I'm the opposite. I think that if I just settle down, pick up knitting needles and sit down at the TV, watching my beloved man read a newspaper and drink beer, then life will end immediately. In the morning - coffee, in the evening - tired sex, in the afternoon - meaningless gestures at work, and then all over again ... It turns me inside out when I start to think that I could live with someone for the rest of my days. The other half of my mind immediately says, “Nothing is permanent! Don't get attached!"

- For a change, you met with an unrecognized genius of versification for half a year, who didn’t even have normal socks?

- He was talented! I was interested in him!

- Well, do not yell. I hate it when women raise their voices. Drink, come on.

{mousebreak}

[December 16]

Gotta drink!

Nothing heals emotional wounds, girls, like stupid dirty sex with the first person you meet! They tell you that you are incredible, you are sure that your friend is a complete jerk ... Well, how could there be something nicer?

Or do you insist on the image of a chaste submissive woman with brown hair? Such people are chosen as wives, they become attached to such people, they make children like that ... But then they still look for reckless blonde furies, so that the blood foams and the back is covered with sweat of desire.

Men are strange creatures! On the one hand, they dream of stability and peace, on the other hand, they desperately want adventure. Therefore, they are rarely satisfied with their halves. They are in constant search! And rarely does anyone understand what they want from life. "For everything to be fine" is a dumb wording. But can you come up with something more original?

The main thing, girls, is not to love men who do not love themselves. Notorious stuffy freaks, next to which all living things die. You pour water of love and understanding on him, and he is sure in advance that it is acid. Such types get high from suffering, for them life itself is a problem. If they tell you: "No one loves me, I'm the loneliest in this world," feel free to send to hell. They only dislike those who don't deserve it. Stop playing mother Teresa! Take care of youself. Scarf, or something, tie ...

* * *

Heartfelt conversations with Yurasik about the meaning of life and half a bottle of tequila did their job. I decide to knock out a wedge with a wedge. At the next table are three pale youths in Che Guevara T-shirts. They drink beer, laugh loudly, for 20 years, no more. The guys actively wink and start moving in my direction as soon as Yurasik goes to the toilet. Or maybe it was a nervous tic they had, I did not find out. Well, I think we should take it while they are not in themselves. And then they will ask how old I am, I will start to figure out what to answer, and that's it, the evening is ruined ...

Returning Juras finds me in the pose of a sexy panther on the hunt: I move my eyebrows erotically, roll my eyes languidly and start talking loudly about former lovers. Everything is as it should be.

And so, when I had already come up with an erotic pseudonym for myself, Isolde, and began to play with my fingers in the direction of the guys: dili-dili, take one of them and blurt out:

- Women at 30 are already old! They have wrinkles, their chest sags, their elbows shrink...

Yuras and I froze in bewilderment. The first impulse was, of course, to come up and ask: “Kid, where are you from? From Moscow? Why have I never seen you?" - and a fork in your hand - on! And then drag the bloodied man into a tubzik and rudely rape him. But I held back.

It is necessary, I think, to check this tyulka about elbows. I'm running to the toilet. I lift my T-shirt right in the dressing room, I look at my elbows, boobs. It seems - nothing, but anyway, damn it, not like at 18 years old. It's a shame. I sit down in my seat, begin to nervously pluck my eyebrows, freak out and already try to leave. Fuck with her, with this tequila. And Yuras looks pitifully like that and says: “Ira, we are Russian people, we paid ... We must drink!”

[December 18]

Trusov.net

Sometimes you get drunk in the morning before an important meeting or conference... You take a business suit out of the closet, pick up a blouse for it for a long time... And then suddenly you realize with horror that there are no clean underpants left in the house. What to do?

You can, of course, quickly wash and dry with a hair dryer. Or send your man to the nearest tent (“I, please, have two pairs of women's underpants!” No, it won’t work . ..). And you can wear pantyhose directly on your naked body. At the meeting, everyone is so businesslike, maybe they even criticize you. And you sit without panties, and you don't give a damn about them.

Or there are situations when you need to react even faster. For example, you just farted in your office (well, by accident, thought and - raaaz!), And then the most awesome man of the company bursts into you.

To say that the spirits have gone bad? Or that the cleaner didn't take out yesterday's rubbish? Pounce on him and push him out into the corridor with the words: “And I just thought that we need to smoke”? Yes, that's what I would do. Although there are no awesome men in my firm. And I go to work only for the sake of ... gay.

* * *

His name is Dimon Sobakin, and he is incredibly funny!

Every morning he comes into my office with a joyful cry: “Die, bitch! I hope you feel as bad as me?" And then he turns on the music and starts jumping around like a mad seal.

I yell at him to get out, throw cornflakes at him, and call him a critter. What else would you call this fagot? You will send in the ass or on a dick - he will smile. It's like a wish for good health for him. He criticizes my hair, lifts up my skirt and advises me not to wear a foam rubber bra. I promise that someday I will order it to a bunch of nymphomaniacs-outlaws to return to normal life.

He just gouged out the eyes on the Brad Pitt poster on my wall and cut up the Cosmopolitan magazine with scissors, then showered the whole office with scraps. While I was swearing, he picked his nose, then burped savoryly and said: “If they look for me, I’m in a tubzik. Poop went." Well, not a creature, huh?

Then we quietly got drunk on Baileys, turned on Pugacheva's song "Iceberg" and performed a ballet in the corridor. I don't know why, but all gays are just crazy about Pugacheva and Valeria.

Dimon also loves to call in the middle of the night and hiss terribly into the phone: “You have seven days left! Ho-ho-ho!" Well, like in horror movies. I'm not angry - I smoked again - and calmly hang up. I love this bastard! He collects fans (it's not for him to collect weapons!), And sometimes I buy him some strange ones. With Dimon, I easily discuss any intimate problems. "Girls' best friends are faggots!" And when I look mysterious, he asks: “What, give you a pad?” Or he makes compliments: “Lacks in appearance, Andreeva, you perfectly compensate for the shortcomings of the mind.” Funny guy. Psycho, the way I like it.

Today I brought small smoked sausages to work and, poking them right in my face, neighed: “Smell, that’s how Nastya Zavorotnyuk’s panties smell!”

- Ugh, remove this muck! Did you specifically tell me not to eat? There was no cheese in that store that smelled of Gosha Kutsenko's socks?

{mousebreak}

[December 20]

Incompatible

Girlfriend Tanya is divorcing her husband. He tried to strangle her for pouring water over the MAX mark into the kettle. I know a couple of other worthy reasons to fight: panties on the towel rack, hair in the sink and a wet toilet seat. Whatever you say, family life is a test.

One of my colleagues for a year waged a war with her husband on the subject of raising and lowering the toilet lid. They grappled not for life, but for death after each trip to the toilet. They guarded each other in the corridor to catch ... They say that scandals over trifles do not happen at all because people are fucking schizophrenics, but simply because they have incompatibility. They lean on their foreheads to decide how many spoons of sugar to put in their tea, yell at each other because the lights in the kitchen are on and the toilet roll is hanging on the wrong side.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but once I also sank to the level of a market woman. Knocked out the door to the apartment of the guy who cheated on me. Everything was like in a cheap movie: I returned from a business trip a day earlier, I wanted to make a surprise . .. But he was not alone. "How? Where? Why didn't you call?" - and imperceptibly pushes the women's shoes in the hallway into the corner.

Then my visor slowly falls, my face becomes covered with crimson spots ... And the guy does not find anything better than hastily slamming the door in front of my nose. Can you imagine the state of an emotional girl in love? At the same second, with a cry of "Pid% race!" I kick the ill-fated door with all my might. I punch the asshole in the jaw until he comes to his senses and run off. Screams, a roar, on the landing, the doors of the neighbors begin to open. And I have a spiritual orgasm. I didn't walk away beaten by a dog and cut my wrists. I did what every girl in my place would dream of doing. EU! EU! EU!

I have never regretted this move. It is foolish to wait until fate punishes the bastard. And besides, what if I don’t catch this caressing moment? And the guy, by the way, then carried me flowers for another six months. But I couldn't get over the gag reflex.

[December 24]

Boys in T-shirts

- It happens to you, - Tanka argues, taking a sip of a strawberry Margarita. And if sex happened in the entrance or at a drunken party, then, sadly, you understand one more thing: now you have to prove that YOU ARE NOT SUCH. Well, I mean, that usually doesn't happen to you.

- That's right, Tanyusik. Usually you walk with a man in the park for two weeks, drink coffee with cakes, then he gives you a flower, escorts you home, and that's when your first kiss happens. And so, to swell beer in the club, stretch out your lips into the crowd and, with your eyes closed, pull out a beautiful man in a T-shirt with butterflies, and in a minute be with him in the toilet cubicle ... No, this does not happen to you. You are decent. Only for love.

To be honest, I think Tanya is a fool. For the second year, she cannot leave her deep-drinking husband, because she thought to herself that he is good and will someday change. Periodically, she gets into “romantic” stories ending with the phrase: “Was there sex or not, I don’t remember at all. But, judging by the fact that I was wearing 40 den tights, everything worked out. That guy couldn't possibly put them back on."

- And now, for noble reasons, you have been convincing your new friend for a whole month that NOT ALL women are sluts, and you even begin to believe in it yourself, - the second Margarita went to waste, and Tankin's tongue begins to weave ... - You write poetry to him on a napkin, you tell sentimental stories about a failed marriage and a hungry childhood, you put on heels and basically don’t give, but only sigh languidly ... This is where the worst thing happens: a man falls hopelessly in love. He calls you to live together, carries some kind of nonsense about children, winds up a snowball of enthusiasm and confessions, then the brain begins to soar with jealousy, reproaches, put pressure on pity ... You seem to feel responsibility, you yourself tamed it. But at the same time, you painfully want to strangle him, burn him and dispel the ashes. And then suddenly you remember how it all began. With a stupid, banal desire to sleep with the first comer.

- Amen! - I ask for the bill, otherwise the party will end in tears and suicide attempts. - Speaking of romance. You will not believe! I here the other day one of the oligarchs divorced a bar of soap.

- What is it like? - Tanya starts to hiccup.

- He offered to have sex, and I was so shy: “Would you like to give a flower first? After all, everything will be like with people?” And he, naive, was seduced: “And what flowers do you like?” I say: “Lilies of the valley. Excuse me." Here he lowered his hands, mourned. He says: “Where can I get you lilies of the valley in December?” Ah, Tanyusik, after all, these oligarchs have no breadth of soul. “You have to be more flexible,” I say, “a man, more creative. There is also toilet deodorant with the smell of lily of the valley, soap, finally, lily of the valley . .. Do you know where they sell soap? Or is the housekeeper buying for you?” - “What, - he asks, - will you give for soap?” Listen, where do these idiots come from, huh?

{mousebreak}

[December 26]

Breaking point

Last summer I was the queen of the universe. A guy five years younger fell in love with me. He did absolutely unthinkable things for me! He brought armfuls of roses to the editorial office, which I placed in electric kettles and trash cans right on the floor. On such days, Dimon entered my office, folded his hands on his stomach and asked: “Well, what are we going to do with this? Look, don’t get married, don’t be a fool.” I laughed.

Our acquaintance with that young man happened at a party on the occasion of the opening of the Museum of Modern Art. Extravagant young ladies, bearded artists walked around, live rabbits ran, and I got drunk on Hennessy and started dancing. I dance well, but on that ill-fated evening I was wearing 12-centimeter heels, which I can’t even walk in when I’m sober. And then ... In general, after the third step, I slipped and crashed on the marble floor with all my might. Only the next day I realized that the ring finger on my hand was hopelessly broken. Frightened, she ran to the hospital.

The doctor in the emergency room asks: “And how did you break it, Irina Vladimirovna?”

I say dance.

“At home,” he asks, “or on the street?”

“In the museum,” I say.

The doctor looks so attentively into my sober blue eyes: “Did you beat your head? What kind of dances are in the museum?

I say: well, the lower break ... you know, there is such a youth dance. Then he neighed out loud: "Write down the address, I also like to dance very much." And he patted me on the shoulder.

It should be noted that all the most significant events of my life took place while drunk. Not that this is any special sign, I just really drink a lot.

* * *

So, at that museum party, we got into a conversation with a nice guy and for some reason decided to immediately go to Karelia. "Tomorrow! Carriage! Noticed! A couple of days later I forgot about everything with my cast, and a persistent young man literally grabbed my hand and dragged me to the station to buy tickets to Petrozavodsk. The key phrase was: “Are you weak?” I put my foot forward and said: “Oh, it wasn’t! Let's go!" And a day later I was already shaking on the train with an almost unfamiliar, but terribly handsome guy. The trip turned out to be unforgettable. Over the weekend, we managed to visit a desert island in Lake Ladoga, swim in Onega, sleep on a rock in the open air, and even have sex in the conductors' compartment on the way back. When it turned out that all the tickets had already been sold, the good-natured and greedy employees of the Russian Railways gave us their apartment for only 100 dollars. To celebrate, we got drunk on cognac and had a real orgy there. And in the morning they found that another passenger was sleeping on the third shelf. While we were walking to the dining car, the cunning conductors shoved the guy between our bags. All night the poor youth was afraid to move. It is unlikely that he could fall asleep to the sounds of our acrobatic studies. In the morning, the rest of the passengers thanked us for a wonderful trip. Either they thought that we were real guides, or they were kidding.

All this unexpected romance made my heart beat faster, and the heart of my then-husband trembled anxiously from a premonition of trouble.

I took a vacation to sort out my feelings, and urgently left for my beloved Turkey. Oh, just do not need these sidelong glances of yours! I adore Turkey for its rich history and fantastic scenery. The hotel I got so-so, but the sun and the sea were most welcome.

I’m lying on the beach, covered in oil, with my bra unbuttoned, when suddenly a text message comes to my phone from a young admirer: “Andreeva, what would you most like right now?” Without thinking twice, I write: “To see you here!” And what do you think? The young man rushed in two days later. At the height of the season, when tickets are so easy to get! I almost burst into tears from surprise and happiness. Still would! No one has ever done anything like this for me. Without warning, he just walked up to me on the beach with a chamomile in his hand, "Surprise!"

At that moment, I decided to give up everything in the world for this man. And first of all, her man, with whom she lived for 8 years without a single quarrel. She flew to Moscow, packed her things and moved to a new love. By the way, his name is Max. And I, as you already understood, a reckless infantile idiot.

[December 28th]

Selfish

- Listen, do you remember I told you about the guy who looked like Jim Carrey? He was so grimacing during sex that I never finished ...

- I think I already know about all your lovers, - Max frowns. - And I can even tell the end of any story myself.

- Well, then you know how to understand if I cheated on you during the three days that I was not around, or not?

Revives.

- Stroke my leg. Come on! Do you feel? Unshaven. This means that I had no one to preen for. So be calm, rascal!

Quite neighing.

- By the way, my used husband got married for the third time. I dreamed that he would die saving the old woman. Then I would remember him fondly. Something got stuck in marriages, don't you think? I've always thought that only girls passionately dream of a wedding. Put on a white dress, a veil... Be a princess for one day, and then Cinderella for the rest of your life.

- All chicks want to get married. It is a fact.

- I dreamed that my wedding would be different from everyone else. That the dress will be green, a wreath of sunflowers and platform shoes. Musician friends will play their songs in a nightclub, and an uncle from Voronezh will not come at all. I wanted a ring with multi-colored stones. Instead of salads - cocktails and canapes. And no ransoms, toastmasters and idiotic cries of “Bitter!”. But then, at the age of 21, I had to work off my parents' money.

“I don’t understand how you could be a wife at all. Remember two weeks ago you boiled an egg in the microwave? It exploded so loudly that the frightened cat did not crawl out from under the sofa for a whole day. And when you say “Thank you” to a boiling kettle, I generally begin to doubt your mental health.

- I was a very good wife! By the way, I met my husband under absolutely fantastic circumstances. In some smoky apartment, where several dozen drunken journalists were crowded. I remember that Zhanna Aguzarova was heard from the radio, and one of the girls in dancing ecstasy was already taking off her tights ... And then HE appeared next to me: “My name is Sergey, I have tuberculosis and escaped from the hospital.”

“How touching,” I said and kissed him on ... the lips. And the next morning she asked him to marry.

I woke up in the kitchen, cooking cutlets, the recipe of which his mother dictated over the phone. “And do not forget a little, how Seryozha loves!” And I'm 21, mind you! It was then that I began to hate all this dusty-routine-washing bondage. And I decided that I would never let stupid life prevent me from watching Sex and the City.

- You're selfish!

- Do you think it is necessary to put your youth on the altar of marriage? Britney Spears already did it!

supplexetacclinis on Tumblr

Close your eyes. Your lover is standing

too close, which definitely interferes with concentration.

Don't focus on me, just press down with your whole body.

You lie under the covers pretending to be asleep

while I am in the other room.

Imagine me sitting cross-legged

my hair is slicked back and my shoes cast off

light.

And I think: “ Here is my plant, its chair,

the ashtray we bought together” .

I think: " This is our house ".

When we were children, we built houses

out of cardboard boxes.

We are capable of everything. But not because

our hearts are infinitely large, not at all,

we have to make great efforts. For example,

we have to try hard

to say: “ Come. You can bring friends.

Let's have lunch together. I'll cook pork chops

and spaghetti as you like."

My dragonfly, my black-eyed flame,

the knives in the kitchen are thirsty for blood,

and we are standing at the fork, my little robber

, but the guide to my heart,

whose landscape was destroyed, after all

cruelty, and before it was a garden,

which was tenderness, which was a room,

in which the beloved whispers: " hug me

stronger,

it's getting cold here."

We never touched the stars,

and also did not deserve forgiveness,

and this brings us back to the shoulder of the hero

and the tenderness that we can feel

not due to the absence of cruelty, and despite her abundance.

The lawn went under the water, the sky burst into flames,

and golden light penetrates through the window

into all rooms.

I will give you my heart to create a place

which will serve as proof

of love that overcomes hunger.

Didn't you expect this? What shall I name the stars

in your part? What will I send us to them?

That you will melt at the touch

my tongue is like a sugar cube? We looked

at the end of the book, and we know how this whole

will end.

The fields are burning, the earth is destroyed,

the beloved is broken and thrown

into the mud. And then it was all over.

This is killing you. Friends have left you.

Farewell.

Farewell. No more tears.

I would like to meet you all in Heaven.

And here is the litany of dreams,

which accompanied us somewhere halfway.

Moonlight spills over the bathroom floor.

A page of a book where we

rewrite the history of our lives as we

pass tacos and music stores

.

Moonlight crosses your body,

and I cover them with kisses.

We were very brave, we wanted to get acquainted

with terrible things, we wanted

the veil to fall from our eyes.

This desire visits all of us. Including

good-hearted fools. Including these

virtues.

« Our Father who art in heaven. Our creator,

buried in the backyard.

Someone is digging up your grave

right now.

Someone is dragging a bath here,

to wash you off,” he said from , “ think of the wind,

so happy, so warm...” 0003

This is a fairy tale,

an explanation under the story, sliding

through the flawless halls,

abruptly appearing and disappearing again.

We create ridiculous idols for ourselves,

to rely on their image, but what happens,

, if one day we climb higher? We see

all these terrible things and just

forgive them for everything?

Here is the river, here is the cage, and here are the monsters,

we lock ourselves in the cage with them in order to

test our strength against them.

Here is the cake, here is the fork, and here is the desire

to eat the cake, and then the question arises,

the question behind all questions:

What happens next?

When you touch me, I remember

that I'm still alive, but the monsters still want

our blood, honey, and they're only a few

steps away from you, they're trying to find all the weak spots,

any a defect, a place where you are sewn completely

wrong, where they could easily

slip where the flesh won't resist,

won't keep them outside where they can

slip to the other side of the theater hall,

while the curtain goes up.

I climbed out of the window and ran into the forest.

I have to come up with

words myself. Their taste, the way they shake the air.

I passed through the narrow gate,

caught on the wire, stumbled several times and

hobbled back. I created this place

for you. For your love And if it's not

the whole kingdom, then I have no idea what

is.

So how would you characterize him? Dawn

in the fields? Snow and dirty rain? Light,

brought in a tub?

I tried to describe this kingdom somehow,

but the letters kept blurring while I

wrote: hunter's heart, hunter's mouth, trees and

trees, and the space between them sprinkled with

in gold. The words are frozen. Creatures are frozen. Plum sauce

flows out of the bag.

Explanation will get us nowhere.

I was away, I don't know where, I just lay

on the floor, pretending to be dead. I wished

to hurt you, but, having overcome, I could not survive this

.

" We're done with him ," they said. — That's great.

It's just wonderful!”

I had a dream about you. We were in golden

a room where everyone could get what they

dreamed of.

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