When you taught me how to dance instrumental

There are several aspects and areas of work in the development of a systemic therapist:

1) working through personal problems, the ability to analyze, understand one's own family history, to be aware of its influence on the therapy process;

2) theoretical and practical (instrumental) preparation of the therapist, his self-determination;

3) reflection of one's own therapeutic practice ("trial by families").

1. My family history. Stability and changes in the family

"Please give me

certificate of family composition!”

- To which organization?

- Yes, I'm not in the organization.

I'm interested myself."

My personal history, my family. Mom in our family is an island of stability and reliability. Everything should lie or stand in its place (for decades). You need to follow the rules, follow the rituals, live according to your conscience. Very often the word was heard: “you must, a woman in a family must, a family rests on a woman, if you want to save a family, be patient.” As a teenager, this annoyed me a lot, I tried to resist it, I rebelled. After graduating from school, she went to study in Leningrad, and after graduating from the institute, she left for distribution in Siberia. Already becoming an adult, I began to understand how important it is for someone in the family to be constant and stable, even conservative in their behavior. I am grateful to my mother that she taught me many women's "wisdom": cook deliciously, cook pies and bake all sorts of goodies (on weekends, pies are still on the table in my own family), sew, knit, decorate myself and the house. Rituals and their observance gives predictability, makes life understandable and safe, ensures the continuity of generations and the memory of the family. I remember all the birthdays of relatives, I congratulate everyone, I give gifts. When I come to my hometown, I visit the graves of the dead, I meet with relatives, there is a ritual “with arrival” and “dump”, when all relatives come to visit, the table breaks, everyone communicates, be sure to take a photo as a keepsake, songs and dances, gifts to each other and thanks. From my mother I have to remember everyone, take care of everyone, in the first place is the family, and then you yourself. But this parental attitude began to interfere with me at a certain time in my own family, when I began to "lose myself. " And then the image of the pope came to the rescue. My dad is adventure, risk, travel, spree, personal pleasures in all manifestations. I often heard from my dad: “Love yourself, take care of yourself, don’t deny yourself anything if you really want to.” Dad taught me masculine "virtues": fight, defend yourself, skate and swim, jump into water, dive, climb trees, be fearless, skillfully handle a knife, play chess, backgammon. Dad taught me to dance the waltz and tango. And also dodge, cunning, hide the truth, dodge unpleasant questions, divert the conversation in the other direction. My brother Sergei, whom I am 15 minutes older than, we are twins. We grew up and played together, went to the same class, sat at the same desk throughout elementary school. We fought and quarreled, but also defended each other in front of parents and enemies, we had one company (moreover, boyish). I always took care of my brother, and he always protected and protected me. And now, on my own experience of relationships with my brother, I understand what siblings are, I understand the feelings of children in the family, their difficulties and difficulties. And I understand male reactions and behaviors in different situations (perhaps because there are many male manifestations in my behavior - I spent all my childhood with boys).

And now I realize that there is a lot in me from both dad and mom. And now I know how to "call" at the right time and strengthen either my mother's part in me, or my father's, I strive for changes. How do I understand that it is time to change your behavior in your own family, that stability is not needed now, but changes are needed? I realize this by the strong negative emotions that I experience: irritation, anger, resentment, or fear, indignation, or guilt (I periodically have relapses of guilt). This means that external forces are challenging, and we need to change. What has my family history given me, how has it influenced my counseling practice? My own family history gave me a rich experience of experiencing various feelings and emotions, the ability to understand men and respect them, the experience of coping with difficult situations - infidelity, divorce, change of residence and job; acceptance of different reactions of a child and an adult in situations of conflict, understanding of different languages ​​of love, a positive view of any manifestations in the family, respect for different values ​​and behavioral reactions of family members. In addition, I began to notice more often that in my own therapeutic practice I quote my parents: “There are people killed in war”, “The one who does nothing is not mistaken”, “Gods do not burn pots”, “The path is 1000 kilometers long starts with the first step”, “There are two cures for all troubles: time and silence”, “Love helps to survive everything”.

The family is a living organism that adapts to the surrounding world. Although any system strives for homeostasis, change is an inevitable part of life. Sometimes a family has to change. For example, an illness may force a family to change structure. If one of the parents falls ill and is unable to perform his duties, then other family members should take over some or most of the duties of the sick person. Parents' divorce radically changes the structure of the family: its members are forced to create a new structure so that the family can survive. Sometimes a family is forced to change by external stressors. A change of residence, for example, breaks habitual ties with the environment and encourages the creation of a new support structure in a new environment. Similarly, unemployment and financial difficulties.

Changes in the family are also due to the stages of the life cycle and age-related changes in its members. Maintaining stability and at the same time adapting to change becomes a constant challenge for the family. The degree of change in the family system depends on the type of family (rigid-flexible, competent-incompetent, chaotic), on the communication that has developed in the family.

The system can change in two ways: 1) changes occur continuously, but the structure does not change (the rules governing behavior) - these are first-order changes, 2) the system changes qualitatively - structure changes occur - these are second-order changes.

Family patterns are quite static and stable, they maintain the status quo. When something needs to be changed, first-order changes are usually made, i.e. more or less of the already existing patterns are used. This strategy of behavior led to the desired result in the past and is applied to solve new problems. But if first-order changes do not resolve the problem, family tension builds up and symptomatic behavior escalates rapidly. Here, second-order changes are needed. To maintain integrity, the family must maintain a balance between forces striving for stability - morphostasis (supporting the existing structure), and forces striving for change - morphogenesis (creating a new structure). Family patterns serve as a regulator of these two forces. Morphostatic forces maintain the status quo and give a sense of permanence and integrity, that is, lead to the formation of family traditions. The experience of integrity and constancy is associated with a sense of stability: roles are clearly distributed among family members, and behavior does not go beyond predictable patterns. For example, in a family with an alcoholic, patterns of behavior are predictable: the husband abuses alcohol and becomes violent with his wife and children, the wife goes with the children to her mother, the husband stops drinking, apologizes and promises that nothing like this will happen again; the wife returns home, and everything repeats again. For healthy adaptation, the family must develop and change, that is, create new patterns of behavior in response to the changing needs of its members and the demands of the environment. For example, the methods of raising a two-year-old child are different from the methods of raising a five-year-old and a fifteen-year-old. Stresses (death, illness, job loss, change of residence) require new reactions from the family.

The family system, like any other system, functions under the influence of two laws: the law of homeostasis and the law of development.

The law of homeostasis is formulated as follows: each system strives to maintain its position, whatever it may be. The family system tends to stay at a given point in its development, does not want to move anywhere. This is true of both functional families and dysfunctional ones. For dysfunctional families, the law of homeostasis is an unpleasant thing, because in this dysfunctional family there are many difficult and painful things, and the law of homeostasis tries to make this difficult situation stable. At the level of individual consciousness, the law of homeostasis is present in the form of approximately the following thoughts and feelings: changes are worse than what is; change is more frightening than what is. In a more concise form, the law of homeostasis sounds like this: "The system as a whole must remain unchanged."

According to the law of development, each family system must go through its life cycle. The life cycle of a family is a certain sequence of events and stages that any family goes through. The family system must be created and completed, just as a person must be born and die. The immediate causes that enable the family to go through this life cycle are certain events necessary for the emergence of this system, such as marriage, as well as changes in the physical age of people and the corresponding changes in the stages of mental development (Gregory Bateson and his group).

For example, family life cycle stage: child in adolescence. Here begins the conflict between the need for homeostasis of the system and the need to go through a very important stage of mental development - the search for identity. A child in adolescence is in an identity crisis, and he needs to go beyond the family in order to solve this crisis. Because to specific questions: “Who am I? Where am I going?" there cannot be an answer: "I am the son of my parents", that is not enough. The son begins to look for other role models outside the family.

The laws of homeostasis and development are applicable to the rules in the family - open and unspoken. Breaking the rules is a dangerous thing, very dramatic. Dysfunctionality is set by rigidity, that is, any rule that is difficult to change is dysfunctional. Where negotiation is possible, where rules can be changed, family dysfunction occurs less frequently. Family rules form the outer basis of family myths. Family myths are actualized either when someone new enters the family, or when some social changes occur, or at the moment of family dysfunctions. A myth can be functional in difficult and dangerous conditions of life (war, migration). If the environment is dangerous, the ways to survive and adapt become almost unlimited.

Family system boundaries - external internal. The law of homeostasis and the law of development also operate here. An example with Russia - at the beginning of the existence of the Soviet Union, external borders were closed, internal ones were open (the system of preschool education - “the state is the best educator”, the party organization regulated family relations) These were completely blurred family boundaries. The boundaries of subsystems within the family were very rigid. Children spent much more time on the street, there were children's companies. The law of homeostasis worked. There was a different degree of contact between parents and children. The outside world seemed safer. Then the borders of the state began to open. It has become easier to travel abroad, the information blockade has ended, Western goods have appeared. In this case, the family borders are closed. Now it is considered good if the child does not go to nursery and kindergarten. A positive attitude towards closed family boundaries is being formed in the public mind. If the boundaries of the family are closed, then the boundaries of the subsystems become very blurred. In such families, parents devote a lot of time to children. Justification of closed borders often occurs through the justification of the upbringing system: "Children need to be taken care of." And then adults take responsibility for some children's affairs. There is a behavioral design of blurred boundaries of the subsystem: the mother does the homework for the child, etc. (Varga A.Ya.).

Thus, the homeostasis that the family system tries to maintain is broken when contradictions arise (external and internal), and development, change in the family system inevitably begins.

2. Theoretical and practical training of a family therapist. Unity and struggle for stability and desire for change

"Opposites really

attract, but

sure start to beat

face each other"

This anecdote came to mind when I began to think about the development of a family therapist, in particular, about his theoretical training. The theoretical preparation of a family therapist is that it is necessary to determine oneself with the concept, the model of family therapy. Each model has its own representation (paradigm) of family life. The adoption by the therapist of any theoretical position will reflect the "compatibility" of the psychotherapist and the family: is the theory consistent with the information received from the family? Does the model help to understand the family and plan the therapeutic intervention? In the process of self-determination, it is important for the therapist to understand whether the theoretical model corresponds to his own experience, his personal characteristics. In the process of getting acquainted with various models of family therapy, I came to the conclusion that it is better to stick to one model. First, understanding one model serves as a basis for comparison with other models. Secondly, a good knowledge of any one model helps the psychotherapist to be consistent in working with the family, gives him stability. Each model has an internal logic that guides the therapist's actions and serves as a guide in working with the family. In addition, consistency in actions gives the psychotherapist himself confidence, a sense of stability, reliability, which undoubtedly contributes to establishing contact and agreement with the family. For me, systemic family therapy has become such a model. In the process of getting acquainted with different models of family therapy, reading books by different authors, I determined myself, “trying on” these models to myself, to my own characteristics. “Humanists” are closer to me - K. Rogers, V. Satir, K. Whitaker, R. May, N. Pezeshkian. But on the other hand, it is important to understand that each model has its limitations. No model can fit all families and situations without exception; there cannot be one universal model. The desire for changes in the development of a family therapist lies in the fact that he is aware of the limitations of one theoretical model, and masters other models, taking into account a specific family and a specific situation of therapy. As a result, he creates his own elective model of working with the family, most often it is the integration of various approaches.

The therapist himself is not protected from the influence of culture and has his own gender bias. For example, as a woman, I attach great importance to the feelings of family members. But I remember that thoughts, schemes, logic of actions are important for men. It is necessary to maintain a balance of rational and emotional in the process of family therapy. It is important to remember that the role of a family therapist requires both instrumental (purposeful, assertive, structured) behavior and expressive (emphasis on feelings, cordiality, closeness in the family). Green and Herget's research showed that family change was deeper when therapists showed positive feelings and clearly structured sessions. In addition, the therapeutic alliance has been found to be stronger when the therapist is confident and directive and at the same time warm. In other words, when he demonstrates both male and female role behavior. The process of family psychotherapy is influenced by the characteristics of the therapist's family of origin, in particular, establishing contact and reaching an agreement. If the psychotherapist and a particular family have a lot in common - values, interests, stages of the life cycle. If there are matches, contact is established easily. If there are differences, the therapist can easily lose neutrality and enter into a coalition with one of the family members. The neutrality of the psychotherapist is the stability of psychotherapy itself. The loss of the therapist's neutrality gives impetus to change, to working through one's personal transferences. In general, the choice of a theoretical model has a significant impact on the process of therapy. The principles underlying each model largely determine the psychotherapist's role behavior. A family therapist can be an independent observer and consultant, expert, guru, ignorant, facilitator.

It is also necessary to correlate the style of therapy and the type of family (functional, dysfunctional). A study by Beavers and Hampson showed that the more dysfunctional and centrifugal family patterns are, the more the therapist needs to act as an authority figure guiding the course of therapy. In this case, the therapist compensates for the lack of effective leadership needed in conflict families. Conversely, the higher the level of competence in the family and the more pronounced the centripetal style, the more the therapist needs to cooperate with the family, openly discuss possible therapeutic strategies and avoid the position of an "expert" dictating to the family what to do.

I personally prefer the role of the psychotherapist described by Mark Worden:

1. The therapist is responsible for creating an environment conducive to change in the family.

2. By creating a supportive environment, the psychotherapist seeks to form a therapeutic alliance with the family. Therapy is a collaboration between the psychotherapist and a particular family, with the psychotherapist as participant, observer, and facilitator. The therapist may show the way to change by supporting the family, asking questions, challenging or provoking the family, but must show the utmost respect for the family's capacity for change.

3. Striving for change is a responsible family choice.

During the formation of a therapeutic alliance, the psychotherapist adjusts to the norms of the family and at the same time establishes the therapeutic boundaries necessary for successful therapy. In particular, it is often necessary to maintain a marital dyad, focusing on the positive aspects of parental or marital relationships, and not on what divides the family.

Therapeutic boundaries define the interactions between therapist and family. In addition, therapeutic boundaries are the norms that the therapist forms in the process of communicating with the family. In setting therapeutic boundaries, the main question is how much responsibility should the therapist take for changes in the family: which family members need to change? Will they take responsibility for change? What is the responsibility of the psychotherapist?

Therapeutic boundaries are also the question of the participation of the whole family, the participation of younger children (may be carriers of the symptom), deciding which composition to invite the family to the session. Sometimes the therapist decides on individual therapy for a family member. Boundaries are also set by working with the limitations and fears of the family. Behind fears are often family secrets. The main thing is that the psychotherapist must decide what he needs to do in order for changes to occur in the family system. And thus he sets the rules for the family.

Therapeutic boundaries can be defined as the norms that the therapist establishes in the process of interaction with the family, which determine his behavior. The family may violate therapeutic boundaries - this is not always a sign of resistance, perhaps it is an attempt by the family to explore the boundaries and find out where they are. This applies to visiting sessions with the whole family. Therapeutic boundaries are also the definition of time limits - how long the session with the family will last (for me personally, one hour of work with the family is not enough, usually the session lasts 1.5 - 2 hours). This is the definition of informational boundaries, in particular, the therapist's reaction to phone calls from one of the members of the family to the psychotherapist with a desire to create a coalition, or to disclose secret information.

The practical training of a family therapist lies in the fact that simultaneously with the theory, he masters and appropriates the methods and specific techniques of working with the family. When methods and techniques that are adequate to some model of family therapy give an effect in working with the family, this gives the therapist confidence, he feels reliability and stability in his work. The feeling of stability for me is felt in high spirits, harmony, calmness, confidence in words and gestures, smoothness of movements, leisurely conversation. It is tempting to use techniques that work well in every session and with different families. But, on the one hand, information obtained from various sources (bought and read books, articles, seminars and communication with colleagues, exchange of experience) gives rise to a desire to change the usual course of sessions, to try out new techniques (“What effect do they give?”) . And the trials begin. Sometimes you get a positive effect, sometimes you are convinced of the wisdom of the Russian proverb: “The best is the enemy of the good”, you discard something forever, you put off something for later, realizing that now, at the moment, you are not yet ready to use this particular technique, you take something right away, “fly”. You realize that there are some win-win techniques, p